Life Lessons for Earthlings and Others: Splice Up Your Life

Adrien Brody is hot; that is my only defense for seeing Splice-which (no offense to Stephen King in his EW column) is NOT one of the best movies of 2010. I’d say it’s one of the weirdest, yes, but definitely not one of the best. It tells the story of a hot scientist, cue Brody, and his hot girlfriend, cue some blonde girl whose name I can’t remember….Alison? (Just looked it up. It’s Sarah…wow forgot it when it’s the same name as mine). So, this hot scientist and hot scientist girlfriend decide to make a go at genetic splicing…hence the title, and horrible things result. Cue life lessons.

Life Lessons of Splice:

1. If you cross a horse, a fish, a finch, a kangaroo, a lizard, a shark, and a sample of aloe vera (say what?), you will get a wibbly, wobbly blob….with a giant tongue.
Just thought I’d let you know because I’m sure you’ve stayed up night after night wondering what that particular hybrid would look like. I know I have(n’t).

2. Never have sex with your mutant baby.
Sex leads to the mutant creation changing sexes which leads to it wanting to kill you. So, just avoid the whole death thing by not having sex with your mutant baby even if that mutant baby looks like Angelina Jolie with a tail and awkwardly spaced eyes.

3. Never take away the cat.
Cats keep mutant babies sane. Once you take the cat away, murderous rampages ensue.

4. Booster seats are overrated.
Just shove your kid in a cardboard box in the back of your cargo van, and call it a day.

5. Mary Poppins was right.
A spoonful of sugar DOES help the medicine go down! Or in this case, candy helps your mutant baby eat disgusting muck. So, stock up on grits and milk duds. We’ve got some mutant babies to feed!