By Andrew Ramirez
This weekend, Egypt remained under a close mother goose-type watch by the CIA and CNN, among others.
In Camarillo, California, a couple of kids (maybe young-looking adults) were reported stealing Wild Tiger bubblegum cigarillos from Rocket Fizz Candy and Cola—the thieves, upon exiting the store, stepped into a red Yukon and were not pursued by the cashier. Total losses range from seventy-seven cents to a dollar-fifteen.
Airport security scanners, through updated software, have proven to take only a generic image of the scanned traveler, much to the relief of fearful flyers wary of exposure to unknown Transportation Security Administration eyes.
In other news, two Dachshund hounds on a Sunday walk in Woodland Hills were momentarily lost when the pair (brother and sister) absentmindedly wandered into a dim alley. The four-legged K9 siblings were recovered by their owner approximately two minutes later when he saw them emerge from the black space between a stationary store and a Greek restaurant with their tails wagging in the quiet air, a little blood and dirt flecked on their black noses and paws. They were unharmed.
In San Diego, a flasher was reported by a pair of University of San Diego students. The offense took place on Thursday night while Nora Jackson was brushing her teeth for bed. Jackson’s roommate (and close friend), Stephanie Riggins, was pouring vodka shots for herself and a six friends who were on their way from another dormitory. A gentle tapping at the window was heard by both girls, causing Riggins to spill a drop of vodka on the kitchen counter (of which she used the hem of her pink shirt to wipe dry) and Jackson to swallow a pea-sized amount of toothpaste (of which she’d done before, and knew was no cause for concern). Both girls went to the window and exchanged questioning looks. Riggins thought it might be her friends playing a trick. Jackson thought it might be the small twig of a branch blown by a pulsing wind.
“No you do it,” both girls said to each other when they bumped hands reaching for the blinds.
Jackson had a dribble of toothpaste on her lip, of which Riggins said nothing because she was aware of the wet spot on the hem of her pink shirt—which was equally embarrassing to her.
The window began to make a tapping noise again.
Jackson said, “It’s a branch.”
Riggins said, “It’s a friend.” She pointed to the vodka shots lined up like fat little birds or ritualistic candles on the table. “I have nasty friends.”
Both girls giggled and decided to pull the blinds open together, a result of being silly and girlish (which they were one hundred percent of the time, but even more so at this particular moment because one of them had toothpaste on her lip and the other had a wet spot on her pink shirt, causing each girl to feel sorry for the other and resulting in a deadlock as to who could pull open the blinds—eventually forcing them to agree to do it together).
“One, two—” they counted, all the way to ten. They ripped down on the white cord and unveiled a pair of hairless legs divided down the center by a moderately-sized and flapping member going thump thump thump on the window, much to Riggins surprise because she’d never been flashed before but even more so to Jackson’s surprise because although she too had never been flashed, she’d also never caught a glimpse of her wide open mouth dripping white in a semi-reflective glass surface.
USD campus police are describing the perpetrator as five-foot-ten, white, male.
The Packers topped the Steelers by six points in Super Bowl XLV. Someone won twenty-eight dollars. Somewhere else, nachos were consumed.