Title: Post-Apocalyptic Survival Guide
Excerpt: Ever wondered what the world will be like once civilization falls? Well, then don’t watch this ridiculous movie.
Imagine a world filled with big hair—where hairspray is never far away and fashion has taken a turn for the awkward. No, I’m not talking about the 80s, silly. I’m talking about Earth’s post-apocalyptic future as portrayed in the wonderfully terrible 80s, sci-fi film She.
I think the only real purpose of this movie was to show lots and lots of red corn syrup and lots and lots of scantily clad women. Sometimes covered in said red corn syrup. But, I did manage to gather a few important life lessons. Consider this your survival guide to the world post-apocalypse.
Life Lessons of She:
- In the future, there are two kinds of scientists in the world.
Those who look like Colonel Sanders in drag, and those who look like monks obsessed with Playboy.
- War strategies are sooooo pre-apocalypse.
Nowadays, you don’t have to sneakily construct your battle traps. Just build them in broad daylight right outside of your opponents’ fortress. They’ll never see it coming because apparently, they never bother to look over their walls.
- Start brushing up on your Medieval Times’ fight skills now.
Because in the future, there will be fights to the death which will require terrible fake punching, theatrical grunting, and delayed sound effects. Remember: the sword will always come before the swooshing sound.
- Things You Should Know About Villains: A Lesson in Two Parts.
First: Villains love glitter. I think we learned this already from Mariah Carey, but, it’s a good life lesson nonetheless.
Second: Villains love costumes. Unless someone looks like Party City threw up on them and then got fashion advice from Paula Abdul, they aren’t a real villain.
And finally, speaking of clothing….
- Loin cloths with pockets are the clothing of the future.
So, quick, get to the tailor and have him or her make you some! Because there is nothing more embarrassing than being the only one wearing a loin cloth without a pocket! Oh, wait, yes there is. Wearing a loin cloth at all. Can’t we all just raid an abandoned Walmart instead? Then, you can have pants designed by Miley Cyrus! Yea…on second thought, I think I’ll take that loin cloth.
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