by Sarah Ingerson
Sometimes, I’m pretentious; this week was one of those times. After listening to one of my screenwriting professor’s recommendation for five or so minutes, I decided to watch Them, or Ils (It’s French! Hence the pretentiousness). It’s a horror movie about all the horrible things strangers can do to each other, especially in the middle of nowhere Romania. So, without further adieu, here is my list of lessons.
1. Always sleep with a bra on.
For men, this is optional, but for women, it’s non-negotiable. After all, you never know when you’ll hear a mysterious noise in the middle of the night and soon find yourself fleeing from teenage axe-murderers.
2. Never go to Romania.
Apparently, nighttime is at least 12 hours long there and passing cars will never notice a screaming victim on the side of the rode—even if said victim is sticking both of her arms out of a giant drain. Seriously, I would notice that.
3. When fleeing your killer-infested Romanian villa, lock the front door.
Sure, it takes a few minutes, but your captor will be helplessly trapped until he figures out how to open a window, or you know unlock the door. But hey, it might buy you a whole 30 seconds!
4. Attics are never a good idea.
Seriously, don’t even go into a house with one.
5. Titanic lied to you.
Or at least altered your perceptions about that steamy handprint. It isn’t always the result of some beautifully cheesy lovemaking scene. Sometimes, it’s just the result of someone getting strangled to death.